Let’s give a big shout out to our boys in red, white and blue at Hazeltine. They brought the Ryder Cup home. They made American golf great again!
It all started in the Thursday practice round. David Johnson – he’s from Mayville, North Dakota. A true Red State patriot. We have the best hecklers, we really do. Rory McIlroy and Henrik Stenson couldn’t make a 12-foot-putt. Six times they tried and missed. Johnson yelled out that even he could make that putt. The dumb Europeans – so dumb, so SAD! – gave him a chance. Justin Rose even offered him $100 if he could make it on his first try. I know a thing or two about gambling, and you never, EVER let other people gamble with your money. You gamble with OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY. Of course Johnson made the putt, and he danced around the green like Patrick Reed. We celebrate better than anyone. The best celebrations.
The PGA of America set up a Task Force – a Task Force – with one mission: bring the Ryder Cup home. Four captain’s picks, including the last one announced live, five days before the first matches, during Sunday Night Football on NBC. (Which gets the best ratings, by the way.) Cut the rough down nice and low, because Europe drives the ball better than we do. That’s how you negotiate the best deals: you own the tractors and the mowers, you cut the grass however high or low you like. And then on Sunday, when you lead by three points, put all the holes in the middles of all the greens. Rose complained afterwards that the Sunday pin placements had a “Pro-Am feel”. What an AMATEUR. What has Justin Rose ever won, apart from a US Open and an Olympic gold medal? Winners WIN by making birdies. And everybody loves birdies. At the Battle of Midway, it took TWO American Task Forces to sink four Japanese aircraft carriers. But it took only one Ryder Cup Task Force to achieve mission SUCCESS.
Many people are saying the Phil Mickelson-Sergio Garcia match on Sunday was the best singles match in Ryder Cup history. 19 birdies between the two golfers. The last two holes both halved with birdies. You know why it wasn’t the best singles match in Ryder Cup history? Because America only got half a point. You know what was a better singles match? Brooks Koepka defeating LOSER Danny Willett 5&4. I like my Masters champions not to ever lose 5&4 – you know what I’m saying? I also like my Masters champions to be American, and certainly not to have brothers who call Americans “fat, stupid, greedy, classless bastards.” Pete Willett: LOCK HIM UP. Or build a wall around him.
Too much was said about our great, huge and hugely great American crowds at Hazeltine. We get the biggest crowds at our Ryder Cups. They just wanted to see America win. And America DID WIN. If McIlroy really wanted our people to shut up, he should have made more birdies, not get them ejected. In what kind of America can’t people drink as much beer as they want and scream whatever they want whenever they want?
(I was going to say something about Lee Westwood right now – I really was. But out of respect for Westwood’s ex-wife and all of the super-hot wives, girlfriends and children of the players at this year’s Ryder Cup, I just can’t do it. I won’t say anything about missed two-foot putts. DEFINITELY not talking about that.)
Some people say the Ryder Cup ought to be a friendly exhibition between the best golfers in America and Europe, a showcase of the best etiquette and manners as well as the best golf. Some people also say that because golfing form goes up and down so quickly from week to week, winning or losing the Ryder Cup is largely random and says nothing about the greatness of golf in America or Europe. Do you know why none of that is true? I don’t either, but Sean Hannity told me it wasn’t. And besides: AMERICA! SEVENTEEN POINTS TO ELEVEN! Just wait until the Ryder Cup comes to Trump Turnberry in 2026: you’re not gonna believe how much gold will be on the toilet handles in the player’s bathrooms.